ftmceasar

/cryptic

My boss was sitting with me while i took my break, just talking.  He asked if i was doing anything this summer and i shook my head.  I can't afford to take that much time off.  He nodded.

"I'm going to need you this summer.  Lots of people are leaving, more are going home...When was the last time you had a day off, Cesar?"
"3 weeks ago, bro."

I'm intermittently a work-a-holic.  Sometimes i can't wait to leave early, pestering the shift supervisors to see if i could go home.  And then a few months hit when I can't get enough hours. Sometimes it's the money, sometimes i just don't want to deal with something in my life.  And it's a convenient distraction, getting paid to work yourself into a stupor.  Smart? no.  Convenient? Arguable.  Better than World of Warcraft? Damn skippy.

The thing about it all is that i could be breaking own right now.  Badly.  But somehow, i'm not, keeping track of everything till i can dig my way out of every mess I'm in.  I could be barely functioning, preferring to sleep or WoW is up till it either 'blows over' or it's bigger than I and it's easier to give up.

But i'm not.
Weird.
But i like it.

Thank you modern medicine.

So here goes

I've always been kinda nervous about using my journal too much.  I used to have a xanga in which i spilled it all. 

I've sorta embarked on this attempt to find who i used to be.  I don't have pictures, I don't have access to my old email (go.com got sold and stopped taking new subscribers.  And logging in after years makes me a new subscriber, apparently), i can't find my old xanga, can't remember the password to my old aim account, can't remember my user name on various blogs/journals i kept, geocities accounts i kept to keep my pictures in.

And with the discovery of the internet I blogged, i know this information's out there.  I kept 2 or 3 journals back then, keeping tracks of awkward crushes, family, high school, pets, adventures...  I know it's out there.  And I can't find any of it.  The most i can remember is an old forum account i had, where i posted pictures of the maps and quests i had created. 

I hate loosing time like this.

I've spent so much time and effort re-building my life, redefining everything i used to be: My gender, my sexuality, my dreams, my wants, hopes, views, politics, morals...fucking everything.  But i think i was so desperate to remake myself, to leave behind that awkward Vanessa who was scared of everything that I've kinda buried her too well. 

I have brief memories, little snippets of a movie: walking upstairs to my room, being against abortion, believing in virginity till marriage, drinking hot chocolate in the morning, walking up to church, hitting the power button on my computer, sifting my toes in the sand...But nothing concrete. 

And i know this information's out there.  How i went about crushes, how i felt, how i thought, how i believed in what i did.  I know it's out there.  And i can't find any of it. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?  To barely remember the last 17 years of your life?  I remember from college  up.

Ss I've been working on triggers an family stuff in my head, I've been getting back good memories.  I never thought I would be able to do this, ever.  I thought i would perpetually be in a cloud of triggers and fears, afraid to ask for what i needed for fear of a beating.  Sure that would be assault and battery, sure it's been that the whole time.  But in my mind, anyone could get away with it.

With the advent of Celexa, Welbutrin and therapy i found myself a few weeks ago remembering hilarious things my dad used to do.  Watching my grandmother count the amount of times she would fold over cake batter, listening to her count to 200 and watching her pretend she wasn't 70. Catching one of my cousins eating antiperspirant and drinking perfume.  Watching another cousin try to knock down mangoes.  Making maps of an emulated version of the first Zelda game for the NES.  Making bread for thanksgiving.  Bringing fudge to  Christmas diner and my father scoffing at it, calling it American sludge. 
 
But nothing concrete. 

Brief memories are great.  Don't get me wrong, i love that i can remember between the triggers and the bad.  I love that I now know that i had good memories, that moments existed in between the bad.  Alot of moments.

So now i'm triyng to find those moments.  But i got nothing.

Current Location:	My living room couch
Current Mood:	Pensive
Current Music:	Nothing Better- The Postal Service

I kept my cool, remembered to breathe.  Shift was over before i knew it and no one managed to die.  And when i got into the car to go home with Ethan, I felt...relieved.  And that's it.  I didn't feel like crying or killing or drowning myself in a bowl.  I wanted to go home and start a fire and play with Sebastian.
That's it.

Thanks you marvels of modern medicine.

Stomach has calmed down considerably too.  Still waking up at 7am tho. 

Current Mood:	frustrated
Current Music:	Sia-The Girl That You Lost To Cocaine

It's been interesting:

I'd completely forgotten that Welbutrin does the following things:

-Wakes you up at disgustingly early hours, ready to go:
I opened my eyes at 7am this morning. Let me say that again.  7 motherfucking a.m.  Nothing woke me up in particular.  My brain just woke me up with a sickeningly chipper "Good morning, Cesar!! Go on, seize the day!!".  I was not happy.  And try as i may, i couldn't get back to sleep.

-Makes me productive:
So, after waking up and giving up on any notion of going back to sleep, i went to the downstairs bathroom to wash up.  2 minutes into it, i thought that it was as good a time as ever to wash the bathroom sink and toilet.  Which i did.  Some pinesol and paper towels later, the sink and toilet were clean.  This did not help the feeling of disgust  at my own productivity and being awake.

-Drooling:
Srsly, wtf.  I can't stop salivating.

-Food? What food?:
Apparently, food is for silly people.  Because right now, nothing sounds more disgusting than breakfast.  The idea of me eating right now makes me nauseous.  I did eat last night because Ethan made me and Emily brought cookies.  So after that and a Celexa, i was off to bed.  Ok, im going to stop writing about food now, it's not helping.

And now, Celexa's turn:

-Tripping balls:  Seriously.  I came downstairs in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and i felt like i was in one of those carnival funhouses: the ones where the wall's are actually a tunnel spinning constantly as you walk by.

Now, i'm sure these meds will start to show good effects soon. I'm also aware that waking up early and being productive was something i signed up for.  I'm just not used to it yet.

Current Mood:

Ugh

Sane enough to realize i needed to fill out my fafsa, work on my app. for college and get my taxes filled.  And all with enough time for a bathroom mirror haircut that makes me look like a baby chick. Oh, and all within 45 minutes of getting to work. 

Also, sane enough to realize that I never want to be a slave to WoW again. This realization came when i started playing with Sebastian more, garden more and look into new hobbies.  And somewhere between wrestling a peice of rope from Sebastian and taking a walk in the woods, I realized I liked this better than bending over a game trying to get the highest bid on that Large Prismatic Shard.
I asked a friend of mine from in-game to send an in-game email saying see-ya and gave my email to a few people that i wanted to keep in contact with.  He refuses to delete my Hyla tho. I would do it myself but i don't know anyone face-to-face who's computer i could use to delete the character.  I want those 2 years back.

The FAFSA has proved to be a whole lot less complicated since i'm applying as an independent.  It feels good to do so.  Potentially seeing what i'm eligible for and where i can go is some sort of rock and roll.  Also, i realize that one full semester of ATC would cost me less than my federal tax return was rock and roll too.  If so, the Playstation 2 idea is out for now.  Hello again, college.  Meet your maker.

Filing for taxes was also frustrating.  I made just over the max ammount to get everything back.  And although im getting  just $75 less than i thought i would, its still 75 bucks, goddamnit.

Oh and i printed out another letter for the PRican DMV (and may you burn in hell).  Now all that's missing is a $1.50 money order and a copy of my passport...(where the fuck is that thing when i need it?!) and i'm trying agian.  If i get no response then im just sending chocolates of flowers with another letter next time.  Bribery is a science in the world of corrupt latin-american goverments and their minions. 

And doing all this with fairly bad dyslexia and lots of turning to Emily and going "Em? Wuzzat?"

Now, if you'll excuse me it's my bedtimeh

Current Mood:	accomplished
Current Music:	We Be Burnin'~Sean Paul

Come see yours truly drag and do Kanye West and Sean Kingston like never before.  Mainly because it's never been done in this particular stage on the corner of Hull and Dougherty. 

Come giggle at your truly's attempts badass-ness.  Come giggle at his facial hair.

Epic.

Ceasar, you idiot.

I recieved the same email this morning.  Suspicious that someone would try to access my account incorrectly again, i copy/pasted the email into the google search field, just to see what came up.
And what i found were pages and pages of "How to get your identity stolen: Fill out emails like these".

I've spent the past hour trying to correct it as i could: changed my password, my 3 secret questions, my login, everything.  I've even mailed the fraud email dept of BoA to tell them.

I just can't believe i fell for that shit.

Current Mood:

embarrassed

One of the boys from the SCC conference wrote a smooze email and sent it to me by mistake.  What is a smooze email? You know, the one you write while youre giggling inside, bitting your bottom lip and thinking 'yeeeeaa, i'm a smooth motherfucker.'

Yea, that one.  And It's very very clear it's not for me.

I wrote him back:

"Hey, dude, it's Ceasar from SCC.  Er...i'm pretty sure you didn't mean to write this to me.  Which is probably why she hasn't written back.  Try again, bud.

-Ceasar"

God, that shit's priceless.

Current Mood:

amused